Holy dammit did the Hobbit suck

The Hobbit doorway image

You should have stayed home, Bilbo. All there is out there is boredom.

This, my friends and loved ones, was perhaps the greatest moment of triumph in all of my Lord of the Rings despising ways. Lonely was the road I walked, difficult the challenges I faced, boring in the subject matter I discussed, in my quest to disagree with the opiated masses that composed the Lord of the Rings trilogy fandom. But now the Hobbit has been released, and its appalling yet hysterical shortcomings only serve to elucidate the ridiculous nonsense that no one seems to realize about its far more popular predecessor.

AKA: Holy fucking dammit the Hobbit sucked big time.

I can’t even tell you how extraordinarily excited I was to talk about how shitty it was. Like a perfectly calibrate see-saw, sat upon by an obese behemoth, sending a scrawny weakling shooting toward the stars.

It was awful. Just irrevocably, undeniably, cartoonishly awful. But spectacularly so.

Allow me to begin.

1) The movie is padded for no reason at every possible turn

Bilbo and dwarves, The Hobbit

I really hope there’s no extended edition. This scene took about 4 hours. Felt like it, anyway.

You know all those people that asked ahead of time how this movie could possibly be 3 and a half hours long, and it’s only the first of a planned trilogy? You’ll get it as soon as you sit down to watch it. In every case, they extend everything far beyond what could possibly be narratively useful, and portray in explicit detail everything they possibly can.

When the dwarves show up at Bilbo’s door, they do so one at a time. Occasionally two at once will come in, particularly the ones with rhyming names, but they essentially allow this scene to go by in real time. What easily could have been a single dwarf walking in, followed by a second knock at the door, followed by a cut to the next scene wherein all the dwarves are sitting around the table with Bilbo looking on in confusion, is instead allowed to play out as slowly as possible. It serves no purpose whatsoever other than simply to extend the running time of the film.

2) There’s a song and dance routine within the first few minutes

Yeah. Disney-style. The dwarves aren’t just singing a drinking song; they’re playing the table and plates as though they’re instruments, bouncing plates around in well-choreographed pseudo dishwashing style, not unlike the Be Our Guest scene from Beauty and the Beast. Once this gets going, it’s hard to view this as anything other than a film made exclusively for children.

3) There’s a grimly serious song immediately thereafter

It’s like they couldn’t decide what kind of movie they wanted to make. And this is a mere microcosm of the hilarity that is this new Hobbit. As the dwarves stare into the flames, ominously humming the lines of their “we deserve our money” refrain, it’s supposed to be serious, right after the silly nonsense of the culinary ballet just a few minutes earlier.

4) Thorin is the cliché “tough guy” from shitty cop movies

Remember the “tough guy” from Team America: World Police? The one that’s a silly stupid bullshit cliché of a character that beats the shit out of the new guy because he’s not tough enough to handle real trouble? Then he comes around in the end to accept the new guy because the new guy proves himself worthy of respect.

Thorin is that shitty tough guy cliché character that can’t accept scrawny Bilbo onto the team. He’s the lead character, and they turn him into a shitty cliché. They expect you to take it seriously even when he’s the most pathetically one-dimensional hackneyed stock character you could possibly have found.

5) But Thorin is also the shittiest tough guy in the universe

Despite the fact that everyone talks about how goddamn tough he is, and how he can handle anything and lead his buddies into battle and thwart each and every foe that sets foot upon his path, he also gets knocked unconscious every time he goes up against his arch nemesis. What’s really pathetic is they try to make him look like a tough guy by going into battle against this massive orc, and they’ll zoom in and slow-mo his approach, and then he’ll get him in the face and fall down for sleepy time.

Which brings me to another point…

6) The Dwarves face ridiculous odds and emerge unscathed every time

The Hobbit dwarves

To be fair, it DOES look like a kids’ movie, doesn’t it?

And it’s not just that they face insurmountable obstacles; it really does reach the level of cartoony silliness. They’ll fall thousands of feet against rocky cliff sides and stand up and simply grunt a little and move on. It’s not a scary event, it’s merely a silly special effect video game fall. They chose to make these ridiculous falls occur all the time, after which no consequences would occur.

But what’s even more pathetic is that after Thorin has been talked up as this super amazing warrior, and his crew are super tough guy dwarf warriors, but then they encounter the goblins, whereupon…

7) The dwarves literally let themselves get captured like idiots

Let me share the sequence of events here: Dwarves enter goblin fortress. Dwarves get captured. Dwarves get presented to the goblin king, Gandalf magically appears. Gandalf kills goblin king. Gandalf turns to dwarves. And Gandalf…literally shouts…”Fight!”

And the dwarves start fighting. And winning. Which means they literally let themselves get captured even though they could have gotten away and merely needed Gandalf’s pep talk to believe in themselves. It’s like they’re all Dumbo and they needed a magic feather.

After which we experience…

8) Escape from Goblin Fortress 2: The Rescapening!

This was my favorite part of the movie. Not “good” favorite, but “look at how this is total bullshit” favorite.

After the dwarves get their Gandalf pep talk, they charge their way through thousands of goblins, as the camera pans to the side, following the dwarves from the side in real time as they rush through the dungeon, in a side-scrolling manner indistinguishable from Super Mario Brothers.

They literally make this dramatic moment identical to a video game, apparently to “appeal to a younger audience,” as if Pixar has to throw birds from slingshots into pig fortresses instead of telling a good goddamn story.

Holy shit it was amazing. Just absolutely amazing. This multibillion dollar monstrosity is reduced to Nintendo platformer cartoonishness, so thoroughly photocopied from 2D side-scrollers that you half expect them to get a 1-up mushroom at any moment.

I wish they had.

9) The dwarves are so afraid of the orcs that they run up a tree and hide

Do I need to go into detail on this one?

Okay, I will. So not only does that happen, but when Thorin Oakenshield descends bravely from the tree-shaped oaken shield, he approaches the albino “we need an antagonist” orc character, dramatically approaches his ancient foe, and proceeds to get hit in the face and fall down and that’s all.

Yup.

10) There’s 200% more of this bullshit waiting for us

Bilbo going on an adventure, The Hobbit

It’s not going to be an adventure. Writing an essay would be more fun.

This is really the worst thing I can say about this whole ordeal. This 3 and a half hour awful monstrosity of stupid bullshit is only a small percentage of the entire procedure which is going to triple the boredom that is al this trilogy could possibly offer us. It was incredibly slow, unnecessarily padded, with stupid stock characters that no one cares about, utterly cartoony action sequences, no consequences whatsoever, and a schizophrenic alternation between seriousness and childishly dumb.

There’s even more I could have complained about, but if I spent as much time pointing out all the flaws of this film, it would take as long as viewing the whole film. There’s literally that much wrong with it, because everything is wrong with it. Hilariously so.

The Hobbit will make people realize how much of a genius Peter Jackson never was

The Hobbit had all the failings of the LOTR trilogy, but horrendously exaggerated to a nonsensical degree. The flaws are more visible here, but they’ll make the problems more apparent in the original trilogy as well.

It was obvious from the start that Peter Jackson was attempting to make The Hobbit into a movie for children, in the awful way that the Star Wars prequels were intended for children, but in the way where they’re hoping you forget that Pixar exists so they can say “movie for children” as a coverup for having made a shitty movie. But the number of times Peter Jackson attempted to make the Hobbit serious and dramatic (while surrounded at all times by childish bullshit) only served to further exacerbate the fact that this was simply an oversimplified silly special effects bonanza intended for 5 year olds.

Sadly, it was insulting both to parents and children at the same time. To parents, in that they had to sit through 3 and a half hours of inane bullshit, and to kids, who are treated as though they can’t handle anything more complicated than a Saturday morning cartoon or they’ll run home crying to mommy. It’s all rather pathetic.

To me, it was about as bad as the Star Wars prequels. Really. But I tried to get all my friends to go see it, because it was so goddamn hilarious. But wow. It was awful. Except Martin Freeman. But he deserves better.

So if you’re looking for a Hobbit film to watch, definitely check out the 1977 Hobbit instead. I can’t begin to tell you how much better this is; it’s simultaneously more respectful to the intelligence of children, and more seriously presented for adults to enjoy as well. They really should have just re-released this movie instead of the Peter Jackson version, because goddamn it’s a million times better.

And its song and dance routines don’t suck nearly as badly.



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