“Lanaaaa!” And other brilliant Sterling Archer Quotes

Sterling Archer with pipe

He’s like one of those novel narrators.

So I’ve been a huge fan of H. Jon Benjamin since just about forever, which is why I was ferociously angry that nobody told me how cool Archer was until…well, never. Thanks, friends. I could have been absorbing a billion hilarious Sterling Archer quotes that whole time. But nooooooooSomeone decided not to tell me about it.

But anyway, Archer has been a rather sterling addition to my television viewing experience, and for all sorts of reasons, many of which have to do with Sterling Archer‘s snappy comeback ability, which appears to be second to none. Though it’s pretty entertaining when he gets defeated in sarcastic battle, particularly by underlings.

But in celebration of all his classy comebacks, here are some of my…

Favorite Sterling Archer Quotes!

Liquor enthusiasm:

This is probably a good to kick things off. Sterling Archer‘s fondness for alcohol is perhaps only beaten by his fondness for bragging about it. Particularly when it comes to how particular he gets about which particular brand or ingredient is being used. I love how arrogant he gets about his drinking preferences.
  • “All I’ve had today is, like, six gummy bears and some scotch.”
  • “Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails.”
  • “Sour Mix? In a Margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?”

Arrogant table turning:

This is also one of my favorite Archer attack methods. Whenever someone criticizes him, he can just flip things around and snap right back at people, often in an extraordinarily condescending manner that screams “I can’t comprehend or refuse to admit that I’m really the one at fault here.” I find it particularly amusing when he skirts his way around racism and accuses everyone else of doing it instead. Here are a few moments of his most victorious comments:
  • “Oh, I’m crazy? Cyril, you’re the one who killed a perfectly good hooker.”
  • “Jesus, Spanish! Our jobs aren’t enough; now you gotta take our words?”
  • “Trust me, Cyril, she already settled.”
  • “I’m rescuing Lana, as usual!”
  • “Well excuse me, Lana. It’s a rampage.”
  • “Don’t ‘lesson one’ me, Barry.”
  • “A ruse? Hi, it’s the 1930s. Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back?”
  • “Hey! Kidnappers! Super not in the mood for this right now!”
  • “My plan is to crowdsource a plan!”
  • “How are you a super power?!?”

Fashion fandom:

Kinda like his alcohol fandom, Archer’s enthusiasm for fancy clothing knows no bounds. Whether it’s a fancy suit or a black turtleneck or silk socks, he just can’t comprehend why anyone would own anything other than bespoke outfits and other such spectacular apparel. A few favorite quotes:
  • “Slightly darker black!”
  • “Now I need to break into ISIS headquarters in a $900 turtleneck!”
  • “I’ve seen that movie, and, spoiler alert, it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire!”
  • “I didn’t invent the turtleneck, Lana. But I was the first to see its potential as a tactical garment. The Tactical Turtleneck, Lana. The… Tactleneck!”
  • “Don’t apologize to me! Apologize to the Brazilian rosewood!”
  • “I was laughing at your clothes.”

Hating on Woodhouse:

Archer’s distaste for his live-in servant is so filled with inexplicable vitriol that it long since passed the border of being verbally abusive. What’s great is when people watch the show for the first time and ask “why does he hate him so much?” And there’s simply no answer. He even takes his ticket to Vegas and gets the family togetherness tattoo that Woodhouse should have gotten instead. It’s so…thoroughly amusing. A few moments of Woodhouse-directed ferocity include:
  • “I don’t know if they grade it, but…coarse.”
  • “Look, he thinks he’s people!”
  • “Now what am I going to spread on your toast? Your tears!?!”
  • “Now I have to spend my first Friday off in forever devising some bizarre punishment for you.”

“Wow, that’s…actually better” quotes:

I can’t believe I can only find two of these. It seems to be a major staple of Archer’s verbal ability, but maybe it just means these moments are more memorable than they might first seem.
  • “Stir Friday?”
  • “Rabbert Klein?”

Double entendres and other awkward innuendoes:

Sterling Archer in his underwear.

“The helium!!!”

Obviously there are a bunch of these. It’s kind of Archer’s trademark. Along with his black turtleneck. And silk socks. And glass of Scotch. And so on. It’s pretty amazing just how thoroughly misogynistic he can be and still be a thoroughly entertaining character. I bet he’d get away with it even if he were real, since he’s just so verbally spectacular. Here are a few of his sexually charged snarky comments:
  • “Just the tip!”
  • “Just half of one! The other half would have missed you. Oh wait…”
  • “Open purse, remove balls, huh?”
  • “Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.”
  • “Phrasing!”
  • “Way the Christ out in the Everglades burying some Dominican guy’s rooster!”
  • “Woohooo! This must be what it’s like to have sex with me!”
  • “Um, does internet porn know you’re cheating on it?”
  • “Wow, if the five year old me knew that, he’d get a huge boner.”
  • “I’m half drunk and slathered in every bodily fluid there is.”
  • “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my giant, throbbing erection!”
  • “It makes the Mach 5 look like a vagina.”
  • “Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.”

4th wall knocks:

This is a bit more of a shout-out than an important inclusion on a quotation list, but I just really enjoy this one. Right away, in an early episode, they had to point out that Archer isn’t quite James Bond, but basically, yeah. But they don’t want to invite that comparison. I love 4th wall almost-breaks, and this one was a strategically (as well as humorously) excellent move:
  • “Well, I don’t like to invite that comparison, but yeah, basically.”

“Who am I” lines:

These are great too, although they could easily fall under the “arrogance” umbrella. It’s just so entertaining how Archer is always one-upping people on random historical knowledge, despite the fact that he seems like a bumbling moron without a clue as to what goes on in the world beyond ladies and alcohol. But he (and a few others) make a few educational comments too:
  • “Who am I, Alan Turing?”
  • “Who am I, Karl Landsteiner?”

Lots more!

And there are just about a billion more, so I’ve rounded up a few of my favorite Sterling Archer quotes to round out the list of spectacular amazingness. From arrogance to awkwardness to everything in between, everything’s better than it’s delivered through the magnificent linguistic prowess of Sterling Archer:
  • “ODIN doesn’t beat Sterling Archer! Only Sterling Archer beats…”
  • “It’s North Korea. The nation-state equivalent of the short bus.”
  • “Holy shit, our security is atrocious. Seriously, it’s really bad.”
  • “Nice read, Velma.”
  • “Hey! I was just talking about you, and about how this isn’t what it looks like.”
  • “Whatever farm animal of war, Lana!”
  • “You’re black…ish.”
  • “Burt Reynolds is my spirit guide.”
  • “Lana, call Kenny Loggins. ‘Cause you’re in the danger zone.”
  • “What is it, the Alabama of Europe?”
  • “Fuck you, Switzerland.”
  • “It’s like…meowschwitz in there.”
  • “Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts?”
  • “Out-macho a gay guy? Oh my stars!”
  • “When they’re dead, they’re just hookers!”
  • “Okay, now I’m having third thoughts.”

Got questions? Ask Sterling Archer!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rraR3g3Zds]

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