Tyrion Lannister Quotes

Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones

After he’s gotten his liquor fix he’s 100% better.

As if you needed yet another reason to watch Game of Thrones, the glorious witticisms of Tyrion Lannister are just about the greatest thing to happen to the medium of televised snarkiness since…well, a long time. Basically every time Tyrion’s on the screen he heightens the intellectual as well as overall greatness by extraordinary margins. And thus, Tyrion Lannister quotes can never come frequently enough.

It’s tough rounding out the list to just a few, especially since many of the best comments are merely snappy comebacks to other lines (and Tyrion pretty much always wins, of course), but these are intended to serve as a collection of some of the best Tyrion Lannister quotes that work on their own, for the inspirational greatness they serve for all aspiring sarcastic types everywhere.

My favorite Tyrion Lannister Quotes:

Tyrion is cooler than everyone else

Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones

“I just want to be loved.” Not a real quote.

Kicking things off by casting the widest net, these are some of my favorite lines of Tyrion just being an all-around spectacle of coolness. Some snark, some intellect, some bravado, all combining together to make Tyrion just the world’s greatest snappy comeback machine. Or at least, in the world of Westeros. I’d say that’s not saying much, given the competition, but he’s so good at what he does you know he’s not slacking at all:

“It’s fun! Look at the fun we’re having!”

“You love your children. It’s your one redeeming quality. That and your cheekbones.”

“I’m not questioning your honor, Lord Janos. I’m denying its existence.”

When informed there were no goats to feed one of his enemy’s severed body parts: “Well make do!”

“What do you want, Bronn? Gold? Women? Golden women?”

“Even torturing you is boring.”

“I like living!”

“We’ve had vicious kings, and we’ve had idiot kings, but I don’t know if we’ve ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!”

But Tyrion is kind of a drunken lecher

Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones

He gets grumpy when he hasn’t had some wine.

So on the other hand, Tyrion is cool and all, but he’s also something of a whoremongering alcoholic, which, in the hands of a lesser person, would be seen as a detriment to how cool he is. Luckily Tyrion is able to pull this off without having any sort of issue at all. In fact it’s a defining part of his character, and one for which people adore him quite thoroughly:

“Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where’s the god of tits and wine?”
Followed a while later by: “Drinking and lust, no man can match me in these things. I am the god of tits and wine.”

“As impossible as it seems, there was once a time I was unaccustomed to wine.”

When asked about the strangest thing he’s ever eaten: “Do Dornish girls count?”

“Should I explain to you the meaning of a closed door in a whorehouse, brother?”

“Everything’s better with some wine in the belly.”

Tyrion actually giving helpful advice

So you’d think all the wine would dull his senses, but Tyrion actually knows what he’s doing most of the time, and can hand out spectacularly helpful advice when requested. Or, more often, when it’s not requested. In fact the majority of his “helpful” comments come at a time when they’re by far the most annoying they could possibly be. But all the other coolness is enough that we can enjoy his snappy comments even if everyone around him gets super annoyed.

“A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge.”

“It’s hard to put a leash on a dog once you’ve put a crown on its head.”

“Let me tell you something, bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.”

“You can’t fuck your way out of everything.”

But Tyrion’s a big ol’ softie

Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones

Even with all the armor, he’s just a sensitive guy.

Just like Jaime and Cersei. Deep down, they’re just adorable, cuddly teddy bears who just want to snuggle. Sort of. Not really. But anyway, there’s something in there, some ever-so-tiny shred of humanity that can’t be dismissed. And in Tyrion’s case, he might just be the softest of the three, despite just a few funny lines here and there to show it:

“I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples, bastards, and broken things.”

“I much like my head. I don’t want to see it removed just yet.”

Tyrion quotes make the world go round

I have a sneaking suspicion that Tyrion’s presence on the show elevates the popularity by about 20%. His quotes are usually the best, and in a show brimming with seriousness and drama, he’s able to lighten the mood to the point of hilarity. In fact, he usually lightens the mood at the moment when it’s most dramatic, which only ever makes people even more annoyed. Except for the viewers. He’s the best kind of comic relief, whereas many other characters are only the type of comic relief from which you want relief. It could have been a whole lot worse.

Got any favorite Tyrion quotes? Feel free to share.

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